Thursday, April 24, 2014

Becoming a mother.

Today is my sweet, headstrong, independent, funny, outspoken, loving, thoughtful, handsome boy's THIRD Birthday. It is such a bittersweet moment. I remember the moment he was born{although it's a little foggy thanks to the anti-nausea medicine pumping through my IV} and I remember the moment I heard him cry and knew that he was here and safe and he was ours. My birth story is more of a horror story, so I will not be gracing you with all of the details, but I will tell you that I was in induced labor for 36 hours and he finally came via emergency c-section on Easter Sunday. April 24th, 2011.

The most important parts of my birth story are the moments after he was born. Seeing my husband hold him for the first time. Watching him sleep in my arms. Smelling that perfect new baby smell.
Becoming a mother for the first time is incredible in so many ways. It is terrifying, exhilarating, exhausting, emotional, and exciting. One moment changes your entire existence forever. They actually send this tiny being home with you! A tiny, beautiful being with blue eyes, blond hair and the chubbiest cheeks you have ever seen. They expect you to know what to do to care for this tiny human. To know what he needs and wants. To protect him, love him, teach him, fill him with love for cats and Jesus. To help him build with blocks, teach him his ABC's, put together train tracks, sing silly songs and do anything to make him laugh. Teach him to pray, teach him to be kind and respectful. Give him as much love as you possibly can without physically exploding. No pressure though.
You panic until you look into his eyes. You know you are his mother and the joy sets in. Does it replace the fear? Heck no! But you know that he is worth every moment you have been through until that point. So they send you home.

Next comes the breastfeeding struggles, reading endlessly about what "normal" poop looks like, the panic of falling asleep before writing down his last feeding, changing diapers, late nights, colic, acid reflux, and so much spit up that you are pretty sure the smell is never coming out of your hair.
And then he smiles at you. Not the gassy smiles that babies give, but a real smile, looking right into your eyes. And again, the fear is overshadowed by the joy.

Becoming a mother, is for me, an endless loop of terror and joy. One emotion right after another. That beautiful, blonde baby is now a beautiful, blonde little boy. He tells me stories and sings me songs. He likes to dance and jump and run. He loves bubbles and Thomas the Train. He loves to climb, swing and slide. He loves to fish with his papa's and help his daddy do chores.
He grows more and more each day and the terror I feel grows with him. The fear that he will get hurt. That I am setting him up for failure by making him sit at the dinner table until we have all finished our meals. That I am raising him "wrong" or that I am not doing enough. But then he says "Can I snuggle you Mama?" and curls up into my lap. He leans in and gives me a kiss. And I know that, somehow, we are both doing just fine and the joy makes my heart swell.

Happy Birthday to my sweet boy. I love you with my entire soul.

Please join me in the Little Friday linkup with the gorgeous Ashley @ The Grits Blog.

The Grits Blog

9 comments:

  1. OH how sweet!!! I love the baby picture!! Very sweet.

    I know everyone says this.. but cherish these moments... my son is 7, and I would give anything to go back to 2 or 3 (or even those infant days)... because now he is so big, and... starting not to like the snuggling and mommy love ... as much.

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    1. Thank you!!
      I try to make the absolute most out of the time we have together for sure!!

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  2. This is, by far, the best thing I've read all day!! I cannot wait for the day to become a mother. I know you're a wonderful momma :)

    Happy birthday sweet Little!

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    1. Thanks sweets!!!
      It is a crazy ride, but my very favorite! You will be a fantastic mama girl.

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  3. oh hey don't mind me sitting here wiping tears away at my desk. This is beautiful! Happy birthday baby boy!

    AND I'm so glad my mom made me sit at the table for the whole hour it took everyone to talk/eat every night- it's family time that can't be replaced!

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    1. Thanks love!! You should have seen me typing this.

      I am always so paranoid that I am going to screw up my children. I am glad to know that I might be doing something right!

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  5. I loved reading this! I woke up at 5 am and started thinking about labor etc. This is so reassuring. HA-Jesus and cats! Love that! You are a lucky lady! I am so thrilled for this experience!

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    1. It is the craziest mix of emotions, but every day is new and so, so good. You'll do great girl! I can't wait for your Little to get here! Babies are the best!

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